Body watching and mirroring
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When we are new to the world everything is exciting and new.
The feelings that we have when we are excited are very similar to the feelings we have when we are anxious - we are in a state of arousal. We are in a state of 'anticipation' . We are 'wired' and ready to go. |
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But we can't keep in this wired state for long - it's exhausting. We need someone to help us to calm ourselves through this state of 'arousal' so that we are relaxed, safe and ready to explore.
We rely on body language, faces and 'mirroring'. We watch the adult to help us to be calm. If the adult looks tense, anxious or overstimulated we will read their 'state' and become increasingly anxious ourselves, whipping one another up. We will both feel and may appear 'out of control'
If, on the other hand the other person looks calm and safe we will start to feel calm and safe. We will mirror one another and feel in control and be able to carry on.
When as a young child we get in to a state of arousal (anticipation, anxiety) we need support to ease out of our anxious state and calm ourselves. This is done by our parent Momentarily mirroring our face (showing they understand how we feel) and showing empathy, and then immediately showing us how to calm ourselves through their body and face becoming relaxed.
The quieter the adult is the better. Our body naturally mirrors theirs and we become calm. We feel safe.
As we calm, so they become even calmer and so it goes on. We are managing each others emotions. Mirroring one another and becoming confident together.
As we learn to self calm or self regulate with the support of an adult, so we start to be able to do it when they are not there. We have felt and know how to calm ourselves and can now do it on our own and in new situations.
We become calm and can carry on, doing things for longer and longer - developing concentration and 'resilience', developing our communication and learning.
As we mirror each other so we watch each others body language for longer also developing our use of gesture.
Children with delays find it harder to self calm themselves, partly because they are having to spend a little longer organising themselves.
When they start to get 'wired' they need longer to regulate and they need the adult to be particularly calm and soothing.
Children with communication difficulties will seem to be in an anxious state, or angry state or just a state a lot of the time, racing around and on tenterhooks. This in turn leads us to be on tenterhooks.
The thing is that the very first things humans do - is mirror one another (body's automatically copy each other). So when the young child looks anxious (goes tense in their body), we cannot help but go tense in our bodies too. We are not aware we do it but we are pulled by our bodies in to reacting.
If our child is often in that anxious looking 'state', then people around them e.g in Nursery will automatically mirror and look anxious without knowing. So when our child looks up, instead of a smiling face the adults have got an anxious face. It doesn't occur to the child that they have made the adult anxious, all they see is an anxious adult - which makes them get anxious leading to an explosion of anxiety between the adult and child.
Children with communication difficulties and children who find it hard to relax, concentrate and calm themselves need even more support in learning to how to calm themselves. They need even clearer examples from us on how to help themselves out of an explosive and scary state. It will take longer and is exhausting for the adult because we are feeling wired, worried, anxious, angry but need to not let any of that show or it will bounce our child higher in to their state. We need to show how to manage our inner turmoil by remaining calm, they in turn learn how to manage any inner turmoil.
Your child will see and copy that calm state and will themselves start to calm and settle.
As they settle they will start to do things that make the adult smile. The more the adult smiles, the more they will do to make the adult smile..................... Now they are looking up and seeing smiling faces, they will start to smile more, which results in more people smiling.............
They are now courting us with a smile and learning how to ease themselves out of explosive behaviour. Gradually the explosions will become less and less.
The more we body watch, the more time we have to use our hands to support our talking (this can be enhanced to include gesture/signs). The more we gesture, the more our child will. we can add in signs and symbols, pictures etc to the way we communicate. Because we are adding these in whilst mirroring our child they will start to mirror us and understand and use them in a natural, fun and interactive way.
We rely on body language, faces and 'mirroring'. We watch the adult to help us to be calm. If the adult looks tense, anxious or overstimulated we will read their 'state' and become increasingly anxious ourselves, whipping one another up. We will both feel and may appear 'out of control'
If, on the other hand the other person looks calm and safe we will start to feel calm and safe. We will mirror one another and feel in control and be able to carry on.
When as a young child we get in to a state of arousal (anticipation, anxiety) we need support to ease out of our anxious state and calm ourselves. This is done by our parent Momentarily mirroring our face (showing they understand how we feel) and showing empathy, and then immediately showing us how to calm ourselves through their body and face becoming relaxed.
The quieter the adult is the better. Our body naturally mirrors theirs and we become calm. We feel safe.
As we calm, so they become even calmer and so it goes on. We are managing each others emotions. Mirroring one another and becoming confident together.
As we learn to self calm or self regulate with the support of an adult, so we start to be able to do it when they are not there. We have felt and know how to calm ourselves and can now do it on our own and in new situations.
We become calm and can carry on, doing things for longer and longer - developing concentration and 'resilience', developing our communication and learning.
As we mirror each other so we watch each others body language for longer also developing our use of gesture.
Children with delays find it harder to self calm themselves, partly because they are having to spend a little longer organising themselves.
When they start to get 'wired' they need longer to regulate and they need the adult to be particularly calm and soothing.
Children with communication difficulties will seem to be in an anxious state, or angry state or just a state a lot of the time, racing around and on tenterhooks. This in turn leads us to be on tenterhooks.
The thing is that the very first things humans do - is mirror one another (body's automatically copy each other). So when the young child looks anxious (goes tense in their body), we cannot help but go tense in our bodies too. We are not aware we do it but we are pulled by our bodies in to reacting.
If our child is often in that anxious looking 'state', then people around them e.g in Nursery will automatically mirror and look anxious without knowing. So when our child looks up, instead of a smiling face the adults have got an anxious face. It doesn't occur to the child that they have made the adult anxious, all they see is an anxious adult - which makes them get anxious leading to an explosion of anxiety between the adult and child.
Children with communication difficulties and children who find it hard to relax, concentrate and calm themselves need even more support in learning to how to calm themselves. They need even clearer examples from us on how to help themselves out of an explosive and scary state. It will take longer and is exhausting for the adult because we are feeling wired, worried, anxious, angry but need to not let any of that show or it will bounce our child higher in to their state. We need to show how to manage our inner turmoil by remaining calm, they in turn learn how to manage any inner turmoil.
Your child will see and copy that calm state and will themselves start to calm and settle.
As they settle they will start to do things that make the adult smile. The more the adult smiles, the more they will do to make the adult smile..................... Now they are looking up and seeing smiling faces, they will start to smile more, which results in more people smiling.............
They are now courting us with a smile and learning how to ease themselves out of explosive behaviour. Gradually the explosions will become less and less.
The more we body watch, the more time we have to use our hands to support our talking (this can be enhanced to include gesture/signs). The more we gesture, the more our child will. we can add in signs and symbols, pictures etc to the way we communicate. Because we are adding these in whilst mirroring our child they will start to mirror us and understand and use them in a natural, fun and interactive way.
The mischief maker...........
It's all very well someone saying follow what they do, wait and watch and when they look up - say something but :
what about the child that doesn't seem to sit still for a minute, is always up to mischief and seems to want to wind us up all the time?
A natural adult reaction is to want to dominate and tell them or teach them how to behave, so that they don't cheese other people off and get in to trouble. If we dominate i.e. react, they will react back (mirroring) which is likely to lead to even more conflict.
Children that do all of this are not deliberately getting in to trouble. They are by nature very inquisitive and energetic, the tricky thing for them is learning how to be calm. It is hard work for them to focus. They have got in to the habit of seeking our attention through mischief.
What is really tricky for us as adults is to not get pulled in to reacting to behaviours that are winding us up.
Once we comment or notice something it will grow. Every time they shout and we shout back - they will do it more. Every time we comment on the behaviour - they will do it more. They don't really hear what we are saying, they have just learnt that the thing they have just done has got then noticed.
So we can manage what behaviours grow by showing our pleasure in the behaviours we like and then naming them. By us behaving the way we want them to behave they see how to be. Just as we want them to manage their behaviour and settle, so we have to manage our behaviour and settle.
So as their behaviour starts to whip up, so we become even more calm, (even though we are having to make huge effort to be so). Their bodies will mirror ours and even more importantly they will feel themselves coming out of the scary state. They have solved the issue and we have given them time to do it. Then when they are calm and do something such as smile at us - we smile back , reinforcing all the behaviours we want to grow whilst not having been pulled in to the ones we want to stop.
We are very much managing their behaviour but they are not aware of it.
This is really tiring in the early stages and takes time.........
Five minute sessions can keep our sanity.
Wait for them to settle and settle opposite them in the listening space,
If they walk away, Stay rooted, let them walk off . Don't follow that behaviour.
Look interested in what they have just left and wait.
They will choose to come back and as they head towards you they will look at you - 'light up' with a smile and they will come and join you and sit back down. They think they are managing you.
Stay quiet and let them explore and they will look up for another smile - 'light up' again saying a word. You being with them and opposite absorbed in what they do shows them how to settle.
When they get up to go off again, don't look after them (or feel rejected), stay interested in what you were both sharing. They will potter off and then return and look to you - 'light up'........etc, etc
With each day they will stay longer and longer
They will learn how to court you with their eyes and a smile
And will forget to do something mischievous to get your attention.
If they are doing something dangerous, move the object or move them, then when they look at you (which they will) shake your head and gently say 'No' (don't use an angry tone) and they will stop it. As they walk towards you - 'light up'. In this way you have allowed them to stop what they are doing, to sort it out themselves and are praising them for doing so.
It's all very well someone saying follow what they do, wait and watch and when they look up - say something but :
what about the child that doesn't seem to sit still for a minute, is always up to mischief and seems to want to wind us up all the time?
A natural adult reaction is to want to dominate and tell them or teach them how to behave, so that they don't cheese other people off and get in to trouble. If we dominate i.e. react, they will react back (mirroring) which is likely to lead to even more conflict.
Children that do all of this are not deliberately getting in to trouble. They are by nature very inquisitive and energetic, the tricky thing for them is learning how to be calm. It is hard work for them to focus. They have got in to the habit of seeking our attention through mischief.
What is really tricky for us as adults is to not get pulled in to reacting to behaviours that are winding us up.
Once we comment or notice something it will grow. Every time they shout and we shout back - they will do it more. Every time we comment on the behaviour - they will do it more. They don't really hear what we are saying, they have just learnt that the thing they have just done has got then noticed.
So we can manage what behaviours grow by showing our pleasure in the behaviours we like and then naming them. By us behaving the way we want them to behave they see how to be. Just as we want them to manage their behaviour and settle, so we have to manage our behaviour and settle.
So as their behaviour starts to whip up, so we become even more calm, (even though we are having to make huge effort to be so). Their bodies will mirror ours and even more importantly they will feel themselves coming out of the scary state. They have solved the issue and we have given them time to do it. Then when they are calm and do something such as smile at us - we smile back , reinforcing all the behaviours we want to grow whilst not having been pulled in to the ones we want to stop.
We are very much managing their behaviour but they are not aware of it.
This is really tiring in the early stages and takes time.........
Five minute sessions can keep our sanity.
Wait for them to settle and settle opposite them in the listening space,
If they walk away, Stay rooted, let them walk off . Don't follow that behaviour.
Look interested in what they have just left and wait.
They will choose to come back and as they head towards you they will look at you - 'light up' with a smile and they will come and join you and sit back down. They think they are managing you.
Stay quiet and let them explore and they will look up for another smile - 'light up' again saying a word. You being with them and opposite absorbed in what they do shows them how to settle.
When they get up to go off again, don't look after them (or feel rejected), stay interested in what you were both sharing. They will potter off and then return and look to you - 'light up'........etc, etc
With each day they will stay longer and longer
They will learn how to court you with their eyes and a smile
And will forget to do something mischievous to get your attention.
If they are doing something dangerous, move the object or move them, then when they look at you (which they will) shake your head and gently say 'No' (don't use an angry tone) and they will stop it. As they walk towards you - 'light up'. In this way you have allowed them to stop what they are doing, to sort it out themselves and are praising them for doing so.